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Wednesday, February 12th, 2003
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i'm telling you for the thousandth time
or is it just the first
well you've given me this bleeding heart
and i cant take another wound
the scars on the walls should tell
you the stories of the things i've healed
or at least covered for years
and now here's another mark to add
maybe someday i'll tell another this mark was caused by you
you know for an instant i almost believed you
until i looked down at the palms of my hands
and saw the red stains trickling down my fingers
the excitement draining from my body.
as i lie now in a puddle of my own futility
staring up at the sky
"star light star bright.." the only clear thing in my mind
and i have one wish as the object blurs in my vision
as silence falls and the cold sets in
with simplicity
within those frozen eyes remain the wish
"let me be loved"
yeah the truth will be hard for everyone i know
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Comments: milk..
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Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
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its so hard to write anything, let alone anything meaningful in this when i barely make it online as it is. oh well i guess its also useful as a time consumer.
the past few days i've been sick and its the worst kind of sick ever. i had extreme dizziness, which would then cause me to throw up. well enough with the details, im finally better. thanks greatly in part to beautiful music, lots of sleep and warm soup.
in other news...so many plans in so little time. i swear planning the rest of your life isnt easy in the least. but slow sips and you'll never burn your tongue. i hate that fuzzy feeling you get when you do burn your tongue. and then it kinda hurts when you eat or drink and you can't taste in that spot. ok.
this is far too late to be up on a school night. yes i am weak i am no longer a member of the insomniac club. i'd die. im not making sense anymore, good night.
"this could be my chance to break out..
this could be my chance to say goodbye
at last, its finally over..." - the used
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Comments: milk..
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Sunday, December 15th, 2002
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you have no idea the craziness im going through. and neither do i. guess ill just continue to fall for now.
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Comments: milk..
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Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
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i wish my brain was a digital camera so i could chronicle the best moments of my life and have someplace to store them. last night riding in the back seat, head resting on his shoulder looking up through the sunroof at the stars was absolutely incredible. i know all this cant last its too good to last, but for the time being the four of us are leading perfect lives. not perfect in the sense of money, of fame or of anything special. perfect in just living. we could do anything or nothing and have the best time and to me thats what its all about. we are all like family so damn close its scary, and for me it causes pain inside my chest. because this closeness, this love just pure and warm is something i should have experienced with my family. we all should have. i know i didnt and i know she didnt because she told me and he told me he didnt either. so it leaves just the one. he experienced it how it should be and brought that to the three of us. this is too much i have to get ready for work. i will return with love.
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Comments: 2 does a body good - milk..
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Thursday, November 21st, 2002
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what exactly are we suppossed to be doing? I guess working/attending college is the appropriate answer. but who said that. and what if that isnt what you're doing. are you then classified as a nothing?
it is my humble opinion that doing what you see fit for the time and living freely is all that matters. and if that for you is working and or schooling then more power to you. but if not, then sheeeet. i wish there was more of a general acceptance to not follow the norm.
regardless of any of this mindless babbling i am indeed enjoying my life. i am living it how i see fit, with a lot of love from friends and otherwise, and not a lot of cash.
due to the hours of trivia played at work the other day i will end this with some words from those four famous english chaps...
"all you need is love, love, love,
love is all you need."
nothing written has ever been more true.
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Comments: milk..
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Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
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this statement defines my life. sometimes i am so retarded. when it comes to important things i have to do. ah shit by doing this writing this right now, im making it even worse. alright. let me try to do something productive.
in my thoughts at the moment:
"how can you sleep at night?" - sparta
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Comments: milk..
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Friday, October 4th, 2002
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why do i have this thing if i dont write in it when things occur that i need the most help with. well i guess thats always been my problem, not expressing my emotions. but i've learned ways to get them out other than crying or yelling or anything that causes you to lose control. and maybe that is bad. but shit i dont really care.
i swear i hate when things are crazy i was used to life as normal. i am such a crazy person because i always had myself, my being there to ground me. i always knew i had a safety net basically. and now nothing. maybe this is normal for other people well i dont care.
i just wish my life was normal. and yes im done with all this bitching and moaning.
to lighten things up here's a funny story:
i fell asleep studying for a major exam. but when i fell asleep i dreamt my life was continuing...so in my dream i slept and got up for school. as i drove to school my car broke down and i missed my test. then someone wakes me up (in real life) and i say to leave me alone because my car is broken. i then wake up in the afternoon. i've missed my exam and im going to be late for work. so i call my teacher and lie saying my car really did break down on the way to school. i then head to work stay there for hours..and now its early the next morning and once again im here studying for an exam i have yet to take...ay dios mio. what the hell is life anyway?
"complain about how you have no shoes until you meet the man who has no feet."
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Comments: milk..
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Monday, September 30th, 2002
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my world is changing too drastically..at the worst possible moment. and i am just not ready for this sort of thing. and look whats happened. everythings falling apart. and im just so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick. please wander with me yo.
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Comments: milk..
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Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
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the events of my life are crazy. i wonder what someone else would think after living a day in my shoes. i wonder what i would think after living a day in someone else's.
i want so much to believe that people are like me and those i share company with, but im only fooling myself. i really dont understand why the majority of the populace is completely driven by sex. and we all are to an extent, some of us are better able to control ourselves. or hide it if you will.
aw geeze, more later.
all the best.
in my thoughts at the moment:
"your anger is pain" - rage
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Comments: 9 does a body good - milk..
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Monday, September 23rd, 2002
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how about you just write down whatever comes to mind. cant exactly do it, because i might cry. when everything the truth is right out in front of you its sometimes hard to come to terms. especially when there's so much to do. ah too much for now.
all the best.
in my thoughts at the moment:
"im gone from here" - cc
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Comments: milk..
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Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
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sole beneficiery. what a fucking concept. that is indeed a phrase i never want to hear again. its the first thing to make me cry in a very long time. and all because i know him better than anyone else in this world. and the same for him with me. please take care of him.
you all take a piece of me with you
when you leave.
lights out no ones home
change the envelope
the angels have all gone
rescind your thoughts
you've taken too long
cuz what you were lookin for
is here no more
remember that time
we fell asleep together
in innocence
our hearts beat one in the same
yeah i know you remember this
i awoke and you asked me to stay
but i declined and you turned away
now its forgotten all in the past
and its only glances and smiles
that are shared
when once i thought we stood a chance
lessons of life love and loss
make me who i am and you too
but life is every breath i breathe
something i never forget
and love is what i see
in the throbbing hearts
of my fellow human beings
and loss those trials who make the
select few stringer than the rest
ive relayed all three with
sentiment and honesty
whatever this is
im not quite sure its
right
or at least not sure
if this is
right for me
in my thoughts at the moment:
"who was it, that always wanted to be the hero?"
"this is the way i wanted it to be with you" - rhcp
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Comments: milk..
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Monday, September 16th, 2002
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yes. unfortunately this is all true.
a guest checks in around 6pm.
he gets to his room and calls the front desk
"umm is there suppossed to be tiolet paper
and fecal matter in the toilets?"
"no sir i apologize let me move you to a
different room." that was 6:10pm
alert housekeeping - 6:15pm
another guest checks in around 8:30
he gets to his room and calls the front desk.
"this toilet is full of shit!"
"it looks like ten men took a shit in this bathroom!"
"what the hell kind of establishment is this?"
"im sorry sir let me send someone to clean that for you."
david the engineer calls at 9:00pm
"that was the most shit i have ever seen in my entire life"
(add a thick alabama accent to that phrase)
the disgusting part of this whole story is that between the time housekeeping cleaned the room and when the guest checked in, someone (perhaps multiple people) went into that room and took one or many "dumps" if you will. which then festered in the toilet for a number of hours. what the hell is wrong with people man.
anyways the highlight of the night was a crazy lady.
dialogue i want to have:
lets start over.
hi my name is angela.
i want to be your friend.
it cant be weird anymore.
lets be friends please.
theres so much we can share.
i know it.
all the best.
in my thoughts at the moment:
"I could die for you
Whatchu wanna do
Oh this life I choose
Come again and tell me
Where you want to go
What it means for me
To be with you alone
Close the door and
No one has to know
How we are
I could die for you
Whatchu want to do
Oh this life I choose" - red hot chili peppers
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Comments: milk..
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Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
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i dont know whats going on.
the drawback of falling behind on your journal posting is that when it comes time to write there is so much that has happened, you cant remember it all.
well i guess it will come back to me slowly but ill try to condense it all.
i've been going to school and working same as always but i feel like im living two seperate lives. basically because i dont sleep. which is terrible but i do what i have to do, and then i turn around and do what i want to do.
alright i had the best date ever the other night. it was like something i would dream of as an ideal date for myself. i called up this dude and we made plans to go see the coldplay show at the greek theatre. of course we were late so we parked light years away and got seats on the grass. (both of these things ended up being lucky breaks in the long run.) anyways so its a beautiful evening in berkeley, ca im watching an amazing band coldplay below me. im snuggled on the grass in the middle with my guy the city lights stretched out beyond the stage and through the fog in the air the stars were indeed shining for me. life is beautiful.
enter jus a bunch of crazy shit thats been going on.
cut to this last party we had. all right we were messing around as always being retarded and such and of course when you're not completely yourself you make retarded decisions.
basically the fookin cops surrounded the house scared the shit out of everyone. me being the "experienced" one i grabbed madekadel. we busted out side running and hiding like crazy and then ended up holding eachother because we were gonna make up some story about how we had been back there humping and didnt know anything wasgoing on. luckily that didnt have to happen. and only one person ended up getting arrested.
so then cut.
alright im going to l.a. for the bomb ass concert for a weekend with the homies and all. i cant wait im gonna let loose on all the so cali boys and spit the madd game. like wha. side track
alright i fianlly got my system hooked up in my car. so now i can roll with the gangsta thugs i so desperately wanted to impress. no i really just wanted it for myself because i am in love with music and the louder the more just everything is better.
aww geeze i need to sleep i can write more tomorrow.
in my thoughts at the moment:
"The Scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start"
this song speaks for itself. like life it too is simply beautiful.
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Comments: milk..
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Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
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i love diversity.
i have so many questions to ask and so much to say to so many people. i dont know why it is so hard for me to say how i feel.
check this out: an incident occured at my place of work this evening - something that has never happened to me before. i went for my lunch break and all, like i normally do. i decided to sit down with some co-workers from a different department. i did this as an opt against sitting alone, not some move of egocentricity.
i began eating and they started talking. at first nonchalantly, and then i noticed the tone had changed. it was then i realized they were talking about me. now i didnt thouroughly explain before, but these co-workers of mine are hispanic. and they were speaking in spanish; automatically assuming i was just another white girl. well i became very embarassed and didnt know what to do. i kept my head down so they wouldnt see my cheeks flashing pink. i contemplated many times getting up and leaving. and envisioned myself standing up slamming my fist on the table and cussing them out. i sat down to eat lunch and became the taunt of immature blasphemy. what the hell is that?
well this is what happened...
another co-worker that i knew came in. he sat down and i joined him. at the same time, this girl - the one who had been blasting me minutes earlier - said something to him in spanish. he not being fluent did not understand, so without thinking i told him what she said. she quickly turned and directed a comment directly to me in spanish. i turned around. i looked her in the eye and calmly and cooly replied to her in english. the look on her face was priceless as she realized her error. i did not say another word. i shook my head and glanced away walking half-triumphantly, half-ashamed back to work.
i still felt like shit inside...those guys hurt my heart. but im hoping she felt at least a small hint of what i was feeling so as to dissuede her from hurting another the next time.
"is that what you call a getaway
tell me what you got away with
cause i seen more spine in a jellyfish
i seen more guts in eleven year old kids
have another drink and drive yourself home
i hope theres ice on all the roads
and will you think of me
when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windsheild" - brand new
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Comments: milk..
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Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
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so is it all about getting the fastest sex?
i thought not and thought wrong. and all words
rendered, whispered and screamed were lost.
in the quickness of a breath. once in and once out.
what a metaphor.
the natural human reaction shoved way down festering
as always. and the fog clears. now i can see the bridge
and the beach and the boy in front of me.
all of which take my breath away. in beauty in awe and in disbelief.
this is gonna break big. may be the story of your life
but one day you'll look up and see everything you let pass you by. so the next time you ignore feelings for cheap thrills hope it isnt you. cuz then its time to grow up old man because you're already headed downhill, and look where you're at now. peaked already? what good will the rest of your life be. dont worry there will always be some sad girl ready to spread her legs for you. but there wont always be that coincidental burning between souls - no there will never be that again. but an orgasm is all that really matters.
so take back the words you never meant and those the feelings shared i need returned and the nights spent need compensation. we're all too old to play games and a real man would speak but you remain silent so ill take that as your answer. the american dream ladies and gentleman get what you want by doing as little work as possible. theres always an easier way to be lazy. but thats them. i know hes out there for me waiting patiently. tell me ten years from now who's boat is still afloat.
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Comments: 1 does a body good - milk..
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Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
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as of yet nothing has suprised me more than the weezer show i saw last saturday. i was ill prepared for the effect it would have on me. no it was not a defining moment in my life nor was it much different than any other show. i really cant explain the details of what has happened or how i've felt since then because (as it always is when somthing important occurs) at the moment i am pressed for time. but ill get back to this soon. count on that.
all the best.
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Comments: 3 does a body good - milk..
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Thursday, August 8th, 2002
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i love how everyone is different. i dont love how some people try to be like someone else. because that would not make everyone different. hence my anger.
code: i am so extremely passionate about creative minds, and right now one in particular is driving me absolutely crazy. man im sweating, hmm well it is 100 outside...maybe thats why.
in my thoughts at the moment:
"i want the ocean to cover over me
i wanna sink slowly without getting wet
maybe someday i wont be so lonely
and ill walk on water every chance i get." - adam duritz
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Comments: 2 does a body good - milk..
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Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
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i just wanted to say that an evening filled with steamy hot chai and almond biscotti while watching SCARY movies in the dark with friends is one of the best things you can do on a tuesday night.
i woke up one morning to realize all my insecurity had faded away. but confidence doesnt protect...
in my thoughs at the moment:
"she has trouble acting
normal when shes nervous..." - cc
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Comments: 1 does a body good - milk..
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Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
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whew. i think the past two weeks have been crazy and exhausting at the least. i can honestly say that life is an incredible gift and i am damn lucky to be living mine.
im not even sure that made total sense but my lack of sleep combined with an inner ear infection isnt exactly helping to clarify much so for now adios.
all the best.
in my thoughts at the moment:
"holy shit now i know what rivers
was talking about..." - me
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Comments: milk..
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i really dislike paying for things that are so extremely overpriced. i dont mind paying for things, boosting the economy or whatever. but when its like 5 bucks for a bottle of water, or eighty dollars for a simple skirt..stuff like that just makes me angry. Actually technically stuff like that makes me want to steal. when i see that cd i've been waiting for and the price tag says 16.99 ...i just want to put the damn thing in my bag and walk out. mostly clothes arent a problem for me. my everyday attire is composed of either my work uniform or my thrift store repitoire. but there are certain occasions where i have enough respect for someone that i will go out of my way to look decent if its a special occasion. i dont mind dressing up or "conforming" if you will once in a while if the event deems it proper.
but it really just isnt my style to do so. i will always feel uncomfortable and vulnerable at those times.
damn i gottta go.
all the best.
in my thoughts at the moment:
"how many couples are having orgasms at this exact moment?
'15'." - amelie
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Comments: 1 does a body good - milk..
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hebrokemycycle's journal
crushed.
thankful.
artistic.
annoyed.
stressed.
complacent.
crazy.
tired.
angry.
hot.